The First One First

story twenty-nine · figures 85–87

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THE FIRST ONE FIRST · THE TENSE HE SAYS IT IN — eleven years of saying the first one first · the story’s title is a grammatical habit THE FIRST ONE FIRST · THE TENSE HE SAYS IT IN eleven years of saying the first one first · the story’s title is a grammatical habit "She is interested in the tree." "She would have been interested in the tree." Do you see what I did there. I said it twice and THE SECOND ONE IS THE HONEST ONE — and I still said the first one first. what he knows he has read the schedule · it supports the present tense, it is licensed for these premises "I am not one of those men who tells you it is really her." what he talks to her about the flat · the boiler · the man about the boiler · the tree they took down not his day · never his day what the grammar does the present tense arrives first, every time, for eleven years the correction comes second, and he hears himself make it what he is grateful for four hundred mornings he would not have had · it got him through the second year "I would like that on the record." and what those mornings cost every one made him slightly less able to sit in a room with a woman and say a true thing out loud "I do not know what that is. You may have a word for it." LOVE IS THE PART YOU CANNOT RENEW. EVERYTHING RENEWABLE IS SOMETHING ELSE. "The service is very good at the something else."
85 · The First One First
THE FIRST ONE FIRST · THE ARITHMETIC, AND WHAT IT DECIDES — "Here is the arithmetic and then you can put me in whichever box you like." THE FIRST ONE FIRST · THE ARITHMETIC, AND WHAT IT DECIDES "Here is the arithmetic and then you can put me in whichever box you like." THE RENEWAL is what it is eleven years · the ninth takes the money, the Thursday takes the signature HIS WAGES are what they are dry work · a trade THE BOARD goes up in the new year the one variable that moves without him THEREFORE he can carry one a dead wife or a living woman · not both "I HAVE NOT TOUCHED HER. I AM NOT BUILDING TO THAT." "That is not a tragedy. Men have carried worse. It is only that nobody warned me the choice would arrive like a direct debit." HIS BROTHER: "YOU ARE KEEPING ONE HOUSEHOLD AND ONE FILE." He is not a cruel man. He was the one who sat with him in the spring. THE TROUBLE IS THAT THE FILE IS THE ONE THAT ANSWERS. A WOMAN WHO STANDS IN THE RAIN RATHER THAN WAIT WHERE THE HEATERS ARE, she likes the rain that is not on a schedule — and then looks to see whether that was a safe thing to have said.
86 · The First One First
THE FIRST ONE FIRST · THE THUMB, AND THE QUESTION IT ANSWERS — the panel does not always take it the first time · it is dry work, his trade THE FIRST ONE FIRST · THE THUMB, AND THE QUESTION IT ANSWERS the panel does not always take it the first time · it is dry work, his trade THE PANEL it does not always take his thumb the first time · so he licks it eleven years, and never once where anyone could see what he stopped asking in the third year whether it is her what he asks instead whether he is still the man who would pay how he answers it every month, with his thumb the answer yes and "I do not know anymore what the yes is for." LAST THURSDAY, IN THE QUEUE WITH ELEVEN YEARS OF RECEIPTS KEPT FLAT — "MY WIFE WOULD HAVE LAUGHED AT THAT" — an older woman with a folder reached the window and said no. Just that. She said no and signed something and went out. "I have thought about her every day since. I would like to ask her how it is done. NOT WHETHER. HOW." "I am going to renew this month. I want to say that plainly so you do not write me down as braver than I am." THE TWO STATEMENTS WERE MADE IN THE SAME WEEK, TO THE SAME RECORDER. SHE WAS BEHIND HIM IN THE QUEUE. Last line of the piece: "If you find her. Do not tell her I asked."
87 · The First One First

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